I was speaking with a friend of mine the other day and we were discussing how I have developed such personality and all of these passions, values, and a drive to keep going. While this person, in comparison, all they could feel was numb. And they did not have drives or passions, and could not sustain relationships. They were wondering why.
I began telling them about the beginnings of my story. There was a time when I, too was numb. There was a time when everything I ever felt was dissociation and detachment. And then a lot of times even a lot of anxiety and depression.
But I started getting sick of being this way. I don’t know, somehow I had the thought that I could make this work. I could make this okay, this could all go away. I could fix it.
I think it was a conversation with a family member I had about healing from life’s difficulties, and they said, “Everything is possible. We just haven’t figured out how to do it yet.”
I think that is one of the things that opened me up to the idea that life doesn’t have to be the way that I am currently living. I must accept it as it is in order to change it, however. But no, nothing as it is does not have to be the way the entire human history has made it out to be. That opened me up to taking up physics, math, and science. Because once I have conquered the obstacle of healing from Earth’s atrocities created by other humans I want to branch into the material world. But more on that later.
We all have to start somewhere. And if you are numb, it doesn’t seem like you have a lot of places to go. You have nothing to connect to.
But actually, what is the only thing to connect to, is your pain.
Pain is the greatest thing. I have grown to love and appreciate all of the popularly despised emotions–pain, anger, sadness, condescension, judgment (God I really just LOVE the last two).
Pain is special. Because it tells you what you care about. Your pain tells you what hurt you. And it tells you what you should protect in the future as well as what you should have protected in the past.
Often sometimes what we want to protect are very counterintuitive to what popular opinion cares about. That is also why I have developed an independent attitude that would be ready to sever relationships if they do not support who I truly am. I told this person, do not think this will be easy. People in the self help industry and even therapists make it out to be this enormously positive thing. No, bullshit. That is so dishonest. When you become more yourself, there will be people who hate you for it. They will try to destroy you. So find the closest relationships, and do not be such a prick yourself that you drive those good ones away. Sometimes it is okay to yell and lash out at your loved ones, and that is okay, we understand. But do not hold them accountable and responsible for your pain and suffering long term.
It will be difficult at first, and I do not recommend going too fast or forcing it out. I told this person, just listen. Just start peeling back the layers. One by one, your body will tell you what it cares about and what has been neglected. Your interests and passions will be discovered later. Do not worry about those things now. Do not worry about finding your perfect subject in school, perfect career, perfect community service. Do not worry about doing all of those extra curricular things. Just don’t do it.
Obviously it will be much different and a lot harder if you are a parent and must work to support yourself and your children. Much worse if you are a single parent. Much worse if you are a single parent who is perhaps in an abusive relationship, or your child is being abused, or if you have to go to court, and all of this horrible bullshit that you undeservedly and have to unfairly deal with. When I was dealing with external complications, I had to take care of those first before I could just isolate myself and my loved ones and just let myself be. The key is reduce external complexity so that you may listen to your internal complexity. There are people who have recovered from drug addiction, have started this work in their fifties, and way more diverse people you can imagine. Find them, start organizations, or pitch the idea for such organizations that cater to your needs. I am one of those people that you should pitch them to, so contact me.
I know that one of the most important thing is to focus on yourself. Listen and take care of all of the pain you have neglected to listen to for the many years you have been alive. Balance this with your responsibilities.
Along the way, if it calls for untraditional ways that go against accepted establishment, I say consider the options. Stay grounded, always. Find those things and people that help you stay grounded. Stay rational. But allow yourself to be emotional and express.
I have had conversations so powerful and impactful that I have never heard anyone discuss of even by my media or local social clubs that are supposed to foster freethinking and science based exploration. There are exciting things waiting out there. The necessity of a state of despair is a total lie. And much of the world we live in as humans in this current state is actually backwards to how the world really is. Also more on that later.
I hope people can learn to accept their pain. It really is the only way out. Find your loved ones, find your nest. Your safe space. No, not in your public opinion forums or political ideologies, in your homes. Move back in with your family. Move in with your friends. Make a home, make rules. That is the first step. Then begin to unravel.