I look at this one picture my new photographer friend took of me. I look young as fuck and now I understand why men always mistake me as being 19 years old.
I do not feel 19 years old in a lot of ways but I know deep down I feel that sometimes I am still five or six, stuck in those moments when they did the worst to me. The worst. The times where my paranoia that I was pregnant was born (yes, when I was five, somehow I knew). The times when I would sing myself to sleep with the door open only to have one parent slam it shut and leave me crying on the mattress, scared of all the shadows and the things under my bed that sometimes I am not sure if I remember being real demons or just ones of my imagination.
Then I go from that picture to looking at one of me in Venice Cafe’s bathroom, with a tiger. A tiger, those mother fuckers. It cannot be more perfect. I look at this picture and I have my head tilted in such a cocky way, but that is to be expected because I am so cocky and I love it I love it. Fuck me in this bathroom, I snapchat to one of them. Where I can live out my Asian game in the company of a like minded statue. A family member says that extraterrestrials can travel to our land through the creation of physical image, so I hope the right aliens are watching me as I have sex next to the demon painting I bought from my artist friend.
The same cafe I take pictures of myself drunk on some gin, because I actually like substances in moderation as they are an option for consciousness alteration, and I am safe because I merely view them as that. Options. Options. Options, not necessities. I think that is what fucks people up. But I have control.
What are my career goals? They ask me. And it is a question that I ask myself. How to belong in this modern world as the diverse perfection you are and to simultaneously fit into these industries that like to hide the truth you bring to the world. It is why I have chosen to be an independent scholar and a freelance writer and artist and Uber driver for now, how will I make my money in the long run I do not know but I am fucking brilliant and I do not think anybody else really needs to worry about it.